


Not A Good Way To Die: The Ones They Don't Tell Nile About

by JotunPrincess



Series: At Our Age Shame Doesn't Exist [26]
Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Crack, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Inspired By Tumblr, Ways to Die Old Guard style, Ways to Die challenge, there is no brain cell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:35:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28767933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JotunPrincess/pseuds/JotunPrincess
Summary: Lets be clear even when they have the brain cell it doesn't help them. More deaths that they have had ane the ones they can't tell Nile about.
Series: At Our Age Shame Doesn't Exist [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1910716
Comments: 22
Kudos: 69





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This lovely human's Tumblr helped inspire this fic and has another post of theirs which has also led to 'My immortals'. Big thank you for them allowing me to run through their Tumblr: https://shitty-old-guard-deaths.tumblr.com/

“Don’t think I didn’t notice how you conveniently left out how you electrocuted yourself by knocking the radio into the bath once,” Nicky pointed out. 

“Damn fucking right I did, and I’d shut it if I were you unless you want me to tell her about the time you tripped into a ditch and broke your neck,”

Booker chuckled, only to be punched in the arm.

“You got struck by lightning, shut up,” Joe warmed.

“We’ve all been struck by lightning,” countered Booker.

“Yeah, but you were actively asking for it. Climbed up the hit and actually screamed at the sky ‘smite me almighty smiter’, so you got smote,”

“Well, at least I was asking for it. I know how many times you’ve died because you tripped and landed on a pitchfork, Andy?”

The woman avoided the question, “What about the wallpaper incident?” Andy brought up. 

“To be fair, that wasn’t our fault. It was a nice shade of green and we were the only ones to die,”

“No, Booker is right that one isn’t on us. But Joe still died more times than I can count because he wouldn’t stop chewing on his damned paintbrushes,” Nicky confirmed. 

“Does the pumpkin count?” Andy questioned. 

All three shook their heads before Joe spoke up, “Hell no, the pumpkin was a great day death or not,”

They got quiet for a few moments before Andy brought up another one, “What about the house fire you two dumbasses started?”

“No, that one is never to be spoken about, but it was worth it. Though there was the toaster incident.”

“Shut the fuck up we don't talk about the toaster,” their leader warned. 

“Oh come on, over 50 times Andy, why couldn’t you just stick your fingers in like everyone else?” Nicky asked. 

“That’s why the roof fell in on you.”

Crossing his arms over his chest he side-eyed both his husband and friend, “I got my revenge for that day,”

“But really the sniper shot to the head was uncalled for,” Booker argued. 

“Least he didn’t slit your throat,” countered Joe.

Andy laughed, “Not that time. There was that one mission where Nicky thought knife throwing would be cool and got him in the neck,”

“Was it Joe or Andy that fell off that train in 92, Nicky?” 

“Andy,”

“Yeah and you fucks left me to walk the rest of the way back to town,”

“Hey, it was either fight the bad guys trying to steal everything or come get you. It was ten miles, you’ve walked further, Boss,” Joe answered. 

“Fuck that I died twice on the way in,”

“We should really consider keeping a tally of certain deaths,” 

“What about the time we fell off the skyscraper?” Booker asked. 

Joe made a face before shook his head, “That doesn’t count, it was an accident that could have happened to anyone,”

“Quick get a notebook or something so we can start going through the list of what’s accidental and what is just flat-out No at least for the first 100 years,” Andy pinched the bridge of her nose.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I say self-inflicted but in all actuality, they were just clumsy moves. Like falling over your husband's sleeping mat and falling on the ax that never seemed to lay flat on the ground.

They stared at the page they'd been working on.

Executions: 238  
Food related:265  
Animal related:197  
Freak accidents:39  
Self-inflicted: 376

“Most of these are between the three of you,” Booker pointed out. “Joe the number of self-inflicted is older than my age,”

“If you have lived as long as I have, you would have perfected the art of dumb deaths," Joe pointed out.

“Yeah but guess what, I lived much longer than you,” Andy pointed out to joe. “And you have not seen the real definition of dumb deaths yet Booker,” she said after turning to him.

“Why do you sound so proud of that Andromache,” Nicky questioned.

“Because at my age I’m surprised I remembered this much,” The former Goddess answered. 

“Did you count the time you got bitten by that one cobra during the time we went to the zoo?”

“No, I didn’t,”

Joe added another tally, “That brings animal-related deaths to 198,”

“Add another freak accident, there was that time I got impaled by that rogue by that fence post during that wind storm,” Booker pointed out. 

“Add another I died that day too, stop sign to the back of the head,” Nicky added. 

"Add one more I got hit by a new paper box,"

"Might as well add one for myself I was electrocuted by a powerline that came down that day," Admitted the curly-haired man.

By the time Nile and Quynh returned they hid the list from them with the newest numbers.

Exceptions: 245   
Food related:269  
Animal related:197  
Freak accidents: 44  
Self-inflicted: 376

**Author's Note:**

> Big shout out to zerozerokyu for a few lines that they added and tempting me into this.


End file.
